Your willing televangelist is here!

The usual Ramadan euphoria about Muslim televangelists is heading at full speed. They and their curious viewers are always fun. This year’s “Ramadan delight” has been one member of the “ulama” – professors of theology – who appeared on the state broadcaster and said “only animals would not perform the [daily Muslim] prayers.” That fatwa puts the world’s animal populace at animals plus about 6 billion animals disguised as human beings.  

Television shows in recent years have featured colorful questions from the audience for the most popular televangelist, another Islamic scholar, such as the following: 

- Can a pregnant woman have her hair cut? 

- Does keeping a cat as a pet bring bad luck?  

- Does Satan have a father and a mother? 

- I shall give birth soon and I have a pet cat at home. Is it religiously permissible to put the cat to death?
 
- Is it religiously forbidden to stand up and drink water? 

- If I go to Heaven, do I have to put up with my spouse there? 

- Can I marry my husband’s uncle? 

- Is it [religiously] permissibly to take a bath naked? 

The man is still the star of the televangelist market in Turkey, but your columnist noticed that the questions from the audience are becoming harder for him to put up with. For instance, one of this year’s audience stars was a young lady who asked him: “How would a Muslim astronaut make ablutions in space [or in a spaceship]?” The celebrity member of the ulama shyly answered: “God willing we [Turks] will send astronauts into space,” while not really explaining how they would make their ablutions. Which gave me courage to try my chances in the very lucrative market. 

Here we go! Dear lady, by the time the Turks send their first astronaut into space, there will be big Muslim colonies throughout the galaxy that will help the astronauts by telekinetically sending them space ablution kits.  

In this year’s shows, there have been other questions central to humanity and its most depressing global problems. This columnist has answers to them, too.  

Q- Is it [religiously] permissible to use hair gel?

A- It depends on how you use it. If you use it as salad dressing, for instance, you may be sinning merely by being an idiot.  

Q- Is it possible to communicate with angels?

A-Yes. Ring the presidential palace’s switchboard and ask for the president. 

Q- Is it [religiously] permissible if women remove facial hair [women’s ‘moustache’ in the original query]?

A- It depends on the shape of the moustache. The conservative religious moustache, which the president himself sports, is clipped and does not cover the upper lip, but droops down at the sides. It is the only style permissible for both men and women.  

Q- I sent three text messages to my wife telling her I divorced her. Has the divorce process been completed?

A- No. You must share your decision to divorce your wife on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube as well – three times on each medium.  

Q- What is the ideal size of the [hair] bun fixed inside an Islamic headscarf?

A- Try not to fix your bun beyond 78 centimeters in height. Some scholars argue that the height of a bun should not exceed 52.64 percent of the height of the woman who sports it. Others advocate that a nominal limit of 78 centimeters should be applicable.   

Q- I have three daughters. I am pregnant with my fourth child. The wife of my husband’s brother is wishing me a fourth daughter. What should I do?

A- You should beat her. Because obviously the wife of your husband’s brother wants you to be beaten by your husband for having failed to give him a boy baby.  

The Turkish government should subsidize Ramadan shows with queries and answers. Then encourage producers to export them, with subtitles, to third countries. That will help foreigners understand Turkey better.