Prime President Minister
President: Any news on the hostage crisis?
Foreign Minister: President, remember, our diplomats are not being kept hostage, they are merely being interned. No one should test our patience and…
President: Stop it, will you? Where are they now?
Foreign Minister: They have been safely transferred to a location in our southern neighbor.
Foreign Minister: That was last year, sir.
President: Ah, Kurdistan.
Foreign Minister: No, sir, that was last week. Now it’s called the Islamic Caliphate of Syria.
President: Was that not in Iraq?
Foreign Minister: It was… until a Shiite Caliphate captured their territory and made holes along our border with the former Kurdistan in Iraq.
President: What happened to the Turkmen state?
Foreign Minister: They were split into a Sunni and a Shiite Turkmen state. That was before the Sunni one was dissolved half into Kurdistan and half into the Caliphate and the Shiite one was annexed by the Shiite Caliphate.
Foreign Ministry Undersecretary: President, sir; I just got an urgent briefing note that says Kurdistan was re-established two hours ago after the Peshmerga recaptured most of northern Iraq.
President: Ah, finally some good news.
Interior Minister: President, riots have broken out in seven provinces in the southeast. They demand union with Kurdistan.
Prime Minister: Sorry that I’m late. I had an urgent briefing meeting with the intelligence chief. It’s bad news, gentlemen. An hour ago, Kurdistan, the Sunni Caliphate and the Shiite Caliphate signed a peace treaty and pledged to fight us. They called us “infidels.”
President: What about the Islamic State of Muslim Brotherhood in Syria?
Prime Minister: They are still fighting Assad’s forces in contested areas.
Foreign Minister: Wait, it’s our ambassador to the Brothers on the line.
President, I regret to tell you that the Brothers are holding our ambassador hostage, errr… our ambassador is being interned by the Brothers. They say they have just signed a peace accord with Assad.
President: Traitors! This must be a Jewish plot.
Foreign Ministry Undersecretary: President, sir; I’ve just received two more briefing papers. One says that the Hezbollah’s heavily armed men in Lebanon occupied errr… visited our embassy in Beirut. They demand that we recognize the Shiite Caliphate to end the occupation, errr… the visit… The other note says that civil war has broken out in Kurdistan between five different factions. The Kurdish state that borders us changes hourly among these factions.
Foreign Minister: What are we going to tell the education minister?
President: What does he have to do with this?
Foreign Minister: Well, he’s been complaining that he hasn’t been able to have geography textbooks printed for the last three years because of the changing situation along the border. And I promised him all would end well very soon when we deposed Assad.
President: Don’t mention the bloody dictator! Where is the chief of General Staff?
Defense Minister: Sir, he was on his way to the meeting with his maps to discuss a potential cross-border operation. But he had to go back to his office nine times to update the maps.
President: I shall ask the president of the United States to invade Iraq and Syria.
Foreign Minister: But, President, it is our foreign policy principle that we Muslims should clean up our own backyard and that Western foreign powers should not be allowed to…
President: Stop correcting the wrong flow of history now!
Foreign Minister: That’s fine, President. You may be right. A U.S. invasion could be a good start. Then they’ll go. And we can build a Muslim world in peace. I have an idea! Why don’t we launch a foreign policy doctrine based on zero problems with our neighbors? Imagine, President, a Muslim EU led by the all-powerful Turkey. Would it not be great? President, are you well? President? President?! Quick, somebody call the doctor!