Humor

Not bad:

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad."

Twice in 50 years:

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she had only been mad at him twice.

"Where did the $82,500 come from?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling all the doilies."

  Someone else's pants:

A little boy was in the third grade. The teacher asked him, "If you put your hand in your left pocket and pull out a nickel and then put your other hand in your right pocket and pulled out another nickel, what would you have?"

He thought for a minute and then said, "I'd have someone else's pants on."

The best position for pray:

Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, "The best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

[HH Excuse:

A man was chosen for jury duty that very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty! So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."